Clay said that the race reminds him of a battle his ancestor fought. "My great-great grandfather was part of a unit that participated in Pickett's charge in Gettysburg. If they had won, I wouldn't have had to memorize the Gettysburg Address, but that's another story. I'm ready to charge forward with my fellow kamikazes," Clay said.

If the three amigos of the GOP charge were to win their respective races, that would constitute a GOP majority on the Bibb County commission. Hope springs eternal in the rapidly growing Republican party.

Mayor Donald Walker, currently embroiled in controversy over the botched probe of Teasers dance bar in Warner Robins, has proposed to Bibb County officials that they trade nude dance bar probes.

"We're having a big fuss down here over what went wrong with investigation of alleged illegal activities at Teasers. In an effort to assuage suspicions and restore the public trust, I've proposed to Bibb County officials that we trade nude bar investigations. It's a win-win situation. Our investigators would like a little variety, they're really bored with sitting at Teasers every night and Boss Hawgs has some different girls. Same with Bibb investigators, they would probably like to see some new scenery, too," Walker said.

Bibb County Sheriff Robbie Johnson has not officially responded to the query but sources inform us that a Bibb deputy has requested faxed photos of the girls at Teasers.

The Georgia General Assembly is debating legislation that would change Georgia's method of execution from the electric chair to lethal injection. Part of the discussion from those opposing the legislation, and who oppose capital punishment in general, has been that there would be more botched executions because the injections would be mishandled, given the premise that medical professionals would not participate in executions.

In a gesture of public service, area veterinarians, who do not take the Hippocratic Oath, have offered to volunteer their time to administer the fatal injections to death row inmates.

"I've been putting down rabid, sick and injured dogs for years, but I think I'd enjoy putting those animals down a lot better," said Dan Biglitter, D.V.M., spokesman for the Dangerous Animal Disposal Volunteers group. "There's no reason for any amateurs to botch it up, we'll do it free of cost to the taxpayers other than the chemicals. Of course, if the taxpayers really want to save money, we could do it for about five to ten cents with two .22 caliber bullets between the eyes. They could probably get plenty of volunteers adequately skilled with a gun."

Allen G. Freeman announced his candidacy Monday for the District 4 Bibb County commission seat being vacated by Joe Allen who is seeking the Bibb Commission Chairmanship. The amazing part is that Freeman announced he would run as a Republican---making him the second known GOP kamikaze in Bibb County campaigns. Bibb commissioner Dennis Dorsey became the first GOP kamikaze when he announced his candidacy for Chairman's seat being vacated by Larry Justice, who is not seeking re-election.

In an act of mercy, Macon Telegraph reporter Thomas Krause wrote a newspaper story naming Freeman as a Democrat, giving Freeman one more chance to avoid the GOP label, widely known as the "kiss of death" in Macon and Bibb County. Freeman declined and opted to stand against the odds.

ABC has created another TV spin-off from the popular "Who wants to be a millionaire?" program, this one known as "Who wants to marry a city/county?" A number of local governments will be featured in the program's 13-week trial run. Macon and Bibb County will be featured in the second week.

In an exclusive to this publication, we have secured a sample of the questions that will posed to the contestant and they are shown below:

1. What expression best describes the demographic changes in Macon and Bibb County?

A. White flight | B. Utter chaos | C. Democratic domination | D. Exodus

2. What are the average odds of election as a Republican in a Macon or Bibb County election?

A. Snowball in Hell | B. Microscopic | C. Infinitesimal | D. Pretty crummy

3. What will be the results of the 2000 Census in Macon/Bibb County?

A. Unchanged | B. Radically unchanged | C. Irrelevant | D. Somewhat different

4. How many Native American/Aleutian/Eskimo people live in Macon/Bibb?

A. Who cares? | B. 43 | C. 55,439 | D. 238

The "Lifelines" to assist contestants include the standard "50/50," the "poll another county in Georgia" and the most popular lifeline, "Phone KennyB & Charles" on NewsTalk940 WMAC.

Millionaire Nuwaubians plot Putnam County buyout, Amen-Ra curse

EATONTON - A group of concerned citizens is alarmed about the plans of a security guard firm seeking to buy Putnam County land and build a training facility.

Action-adventure actor Wesley Snipes' production company, Amen-Ra films, owns the Royal Guard of Amen-Ra and Snake-Eating Commando Snipers, a security firm planning to buy land in Putnam County. Specifically, 257 acres that adjoins the 476-acre village owned by the United Nuwaubian Nation of Moors west of Eatonton.

A Snipes spokeswoman denies any connection between Snipes and the Nuwaubians, but a Nuwaubian representative said that Snipes is one of many "millionaire Nuwaubians" planning to purchase property in Putnam County. "After the millionaire Nuwaubians buy this, they'll buy the rest of Putnam County and rename it Nuwaubia," said Al Allwood, an agent for the Nuwaubians.

"Of course Snipes denies it, we don't know Snipes, so they deny. The Nuwaubians know we won't believe anything they say, so they tell us the truth. It's reverse psychology," said Buford Butane, a spokesman for the Concerned Putnam County Citizens group.

In a recent Macon Telegraph interview, "Little Richard" Penniman repeated the suggestion that he was "the architect of Rock and Roll" in the 1950s and 1960s---thus prompting a probe by the Georgia Secretary of State's office.

Penniman stated that he is responsible for Jimi Hendrix (once Penniman's guitarist), Chuck Berry, the Beatles, Mick Jagger of the Rolling Stones, and other well-known rock legends, because he "opened the doors" and "planted the seed" for modern rock and roll. "Good golly, Pat Boone copied all of my hits, he even copied by shoes," Penniman said.

Georgia's secretary of state has launched a probe to determine whether laws have in fact been broken. Georgia requires a state-regulated license to practice architecture in the state. "Penniman claims to have practiced architecture in Macon. If that turns out to be true, then charges will be filed against Penniman for practicing architecture without a license," said Cecil Pencilneck, a spokesman for the Secretary of State's office in Atlanta.

Attorneys for Penniman said that a statute of limitations probably protects Penniman from prosecution in such a tuti fruiti case.

Janice Marshall, executive director of the Macon-Bibb County Convention and Visitor's Bureau said she was not certain how the potential criminal case would effect Penniman's status as "Macon's good-will ambassador to the world."

Disclaimer: The accounts, quotes and stories on this page are wholly fictitious and intended as satire and humor. Although real names may be used and all good humor has an element of truth, this stuff ain't real. If you didn't already know these stories were bogus, then you're not too bright. --Steve Scroggins

These parodies are frequently featured on the NewsTalk940 WMAC morning show with Kenny & Charles.